The Cycle of Fear

Posted on by kwundrow

I recently was asked to present a sermon before three services at my church and am currently preparing for my public speaking sessions where the topics can be challenging and the crowds relatively large.  I am often asked by people how I can seem so comfortable doing public speaking.  I will tell you that I am never comfortable at first.  In fact, each time I have to go through the same process.  It is the explanation behind my theory on the cycle of fear.  That cycle is a process that goes through several stages as it moves us from fear to energy.  Over the next several posts I will attempt to explain the stages of that cycle and hopefully give some insight on how to deal with them.

My cycle of fear moves through these stages; Fear – Anxiety – Nervousness – Excitement – Energy.  As we move through the stages and provided we do move through the stages, we ultimately end up with the energy derived from the act we started out fearing.

Franklin Roosevelt

So stage one is fear.  Franklin Roosevelt, preparing a nation to face a world war, aptly stated, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself”.  Fear is the belief that something bad, and perhaps irreversible will result if we under take a particular action.  It can stop us from acting.  If, in fact the action may have been truly ill advised, fear actually saves us.  However, when our fear is irrational, it stops us from realizing potentially rewarding experiences.

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I will never forget the day I decided I would actually jump out of a perfectly good airplane from 5000 feet or for that matter the day I decided it was perfectly okay to leap off a 3000 foot cliff attached to a paraglider.  The fear I faced as I approached both of those adventures was real.  It would have been enough to stop me from realizing two of the most exciting experiences of my life.  By the same token, stepping in front of a crowd of 400 plus participants can be no less daunting and yet just as rewarding.  For many, that seemingly non life threatening activity, can freeze them in their tracks.

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So how do we get past that first stage?  My approach has been a combination of several steps.  The first step is to analyze the activity.  What is the worst that could happen?  Could I actually be injured?  What safety nets are built into the activity?  Often, a brief analysis will reveal that you are going to live.  Important point here, if that isn’t revealed, then heed the fear and look for a better activity.  In my parachute jump, there was a pretty reliable parachute as well as an instructor that was there with me all the way.  With the paragliding, I was actually hooked to a seasoned glider pilot.  The fact that he spoke no english created some angst but none the less, multiple people had flown off the cliff before me and all had returned intact.

Step two for me, when time allows, is to procrastinate.  This sounds just plain wrong but let me explain.  When faced with true fear there are two possibilities, fight or flight.  procrastination is a form of fight.  You have subconsciously not chosen flight.  In that decision, you took one more step toward acceptance.  The key with this step is to make sure you are moving in the direction of stage two, anxiety.  In anxiety, you are moving away from fear toward the belief that you can actually attempt this.  But anxiety is the topic of my next blog.

The third step is to stop over thinking.  This is actually harder to do than it sounds.  It requires a desire to see this thing through and that means I need to stop focusing on the fear and to start looking at the possibilities.  This is what Roosevelt meant when he said we only have fear itself to fear.  When we start considering the positive outcomes, we leave fear behind and we begin to move forward through the cycle.

When ever I have to face fear over a challenge I am about to take, I hear my daughter’s words echoing in my head, “Stop thinking about it and get ready for how exciting it will feel when you are done”.  If I had never jumped off that cliff that day, I wouldn’t have experienced how incredibly exciting it turned out to be.  She was so right!

Facing our fears is not easy but the reward that often awaits us for taking on the challenge is worth it.  Think it over, pause to let acceptance move us forward and stop over thinking the negative and focus on the possibilities.

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Coming soon….turning fear down to anxiety.

 

 

 

 

Goodness and Mercy

Posted on by kwundrow

What follows is a message I delivered to my church family on October 8th, 2017.

Psalm 23  King James Version (KJV)

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

King James Version (KJV)

Public Domain

I want my message to focus on the last passage.  “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the lord forever.”  Where is the House of the Lord?  Heaven?  Or is it here.  All around us.  In fact in us and through us.  I believe it is the later.

I am not denying the existence of heaven but rather that the House of the Lord is wherever we would take it to be.  I personally love metaphors and I like to think of this as a metaphor.  If we accept that the Kingdom of God is here on earth and that he reigns from above, then why wouldn’t he have a house here amongst us?  But this house is different than the brick and mortar house we may be inclined to imagine, but is rather a presence that we can project and that God lives and works through us in that presence.

So what does it mean to project this presence?  How do we do that?  I believe that it is indicated in the beginning of the stanza.  “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me”.  I believe that the goodness and mercy that will follow me starts as a reflection of the goodness and mercy that I show toward others.

Now I will admit that I haven’t always been as open as I COULD have been.  And I haven’t always been as nonjudgmental as I SHOULD have been.  Nor have I always forgiven as quickly as I WANTED to.  Just a few weeks ago, my car was rear-ended at an intersection while I was waiting for the light to change.  It was fortunately only a tap and no damage was done.  When the driver of the other car emerged, wringing her hands and trying to apologize, she stated that she was in a hurry and had not been paying attention.  She stated something about her daughter and a doctor but at that point, I was not really listening.  Earlier, I had noticed her tailgating my car, and I was bound and determined to not only judge this behavior, but to hold her accountable.  Though I managed to contain my irritation, now bordering on anger, I did not find it in my heart to comfort her and tell her it was alright.  I failed to show her mercy.  As I drove away, I was overwhelmed by the emotion of guilt.  No damage had been done.  No one had been hurt.  She was obviously sorry and quite distraught.  I could only think how my acknowledging that and calming her instead of scolding her would have gone so much further.  What if she had just learned of something terrible that had happened to her daughter and that she was rushing to the doctor?  I needed to show her mercy.  But it was too late, I had already sown the wrong seeds and my opportunity had passed.  I could only hope to be better next time.

Goodness and Mercy.  It is not always easy but it is what God expects of us.

A few days ago my wife and I were hiking on Door County when we came across this sight.  I was more than likely deep in thought about this sermon and I immediately saw the metaphor in this image.

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As one tree had toppled into another, literally breaking it in two, the second tree had caught the first and cradled it from crashing to the ground.  This so reminded me of what an act of mercy would look like.

Could we be as merciful in an event where we could suffer a loss and yet step in to give support, to comfort, to do the right thing?  As difficult as that may be, we need to strive for that very model.

I cannot help but mention Las Vegas here.  Last week a person of unspeakable evil took the lives of 58 innocent people and injured or ruined the lives and families of so many more by his senseless act of terror.  But it is the courage and compassion of the security people and the concert goers themselves that rushed in without consideration of the risk to administer mercy to those wounded or dying that speak to my topic of goodness and mercy.  There was no goodness in the shooting but the compassion shown by every person who assisted, every hero who acted and for every person who offered a prayer, demonstrated goodness and mercy in its fullest.

There was one more metaphor that day.  Amongst the rocks of the Lake Michigan shoreline, hikers had erected prayer towers.  Deb and I had learned about prayer towers years ago while hiking in Hawaii.  The story goes that the tower represents your prayers for someone and the higher you can build the tower, the stronger the prayer and the greater its reach.

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We prayed that day for a very dear friend.  Why did we build the tower?  Because the life he leads and the image he casts are so deserving of this prayer for strength in his battle with cancer, we were compelled to ask for this mercy.  Our friend shows us goodness and mercy in his private as well as his professional life every time we are with him.  I can only hope that my life would cast the same deserving shadow if ever I need a prayer tower.

How then do we bring God’s Kingdom, “the House of the Lord”, into every aspect of our life?  I believe that the way we model our beliefs and convictions is the key to that process.

I need to share this story and you can show me mercy for a little bit of humor.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking.
How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?”
And God saw it was good….

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That’s a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said,
“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I’m doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch

On the second day God created the monkey.  Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh.  For this I will give you a life span of 20 years.  The monkey thought about this and replied, 20 years of doing monkey tricks seems like too long.  I’ll do what the dog did and give you back  a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
And God saw it was good.10.  And God again saw that it was good.

On the third day God created the cow and said:  You must go out in the field every day with the farmer and suffer under the hot sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family.  For this I will give you a life span of 60 years.  The cow said that’s an awfully tough life to live for 60 years.  How about I give you back 40 and keep 20.  And God said that can work.

On the fourth day God created humans and said:  Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this I will give you a life span of 20 years.  The human said, that’s not very long.  Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?  And God said okay, you asked for it.

So that is why for the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next 40 years we toil at work to support our families, for the next 10 years we do tricks to entertain our grandchildren and then for the last 10 years we sit on our front porch and bark at everyone.

Even God has a sense of humor.

But to my point, if the majority of our life is spent in our working careers, how do we bring God into that space.  This I know is a tough one.  If you are like me, you avoid the full on, Jehovah Witness frontal approach.  Human nature, and rememberGod created that as well, is not overly comfortable with confrontation.

So back to goodness and mercy.  There is the old adage, “Actions speak louder than words”.  If we are to demonstrate goodness and mercy, it is exactly what we need to be about.  How we conduct ourselves, the way we do our business, the attitude we bring to our daily life, these are the actions that will speak louder than words.

We were recently at the Taste of Madison and sitting on the Capitol lawn.  We were joined by a couple we did not know.  Shortly after we had introduced ourselves the conversation turned to the wife’s new occupation.  She had switched from nursing to real estate and eagerly explained how she presented herself to and the service she offered her clients.  She had a service heart from nursing and she comfortably slid into a conversation of her faith and how it drove her in the treatment of her clients.  I was honored that she had been so comfortable sharing her story with me.  I believe that she could sense that I was as receptive to this as she was strong in her faith.

It is this image that we need to cast.  It is this approach that opens the door to these opportunities.

Quoting Christ from Matthew 5:16
“In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.”

If your actions are those of a Godly life, they will be sensed if not noticed.  In many instances, they will lead to a conversation and in the conversation you can be inviting.  In my career, I had many opportunities to talk about my Christian beliefs and my passion to spread generosity.  When people sensed this in me, a door opened through which I could enter into a conversation on goodness and mercy.  On numerous occasions, clients who at first were not very charitable, began the process of increasing their giving.  I am not taking credit for their giving.  That comes from the giver’s heart.  But I am content in the fact that I was there to start the conversation.  Surely goodness and mercy will follow me.

One heart, one mind, one life at a time.  Each life that we touch can touch so many others.  Only God knows how the seed spreads.  I wear a bracelet made of fishing gear.  It is a symbol for me of a promise made long ago but it serves as so much more.  Countless people have seen the bracelet and asked why I wear it.  “Are you a fisherman” they will ask.  I always respond with “I am not, much to the chagrin of my in-laws, but let me tell you why I wear it and the story behind it.” And thus starts the invitation.

A few weeks ago I was at the wedding of a client.  It was a surprise invitation and I knew no one else at the wedding.  We were seated with the bride’s former manager and his wife.  As we shared conversation, I noticed his “WWJD bracelet.  As the conversation continued he became aware of my bracelet and eventually asked the question.  “Are you a fisherman?”  What ensued was a new direction that revealed his strong faith connection and service to his church.  In the end, he asked me for the details and the story of the bracelet and will soon be introducing the idea to his men’s group.  Surely goodness and mercy will follow me.

We must be open, forgiving and nonjudgmental.  These are the keys to a Godly life.  They are the answer to the question on his bracelet, “What Would Jesus Do?”

In conclusion, I chose to change the words of the verse slightly:  “Surely goodness and mercy will follow YOU all the days of YOUR life…..IF YOU will dwell in the House of the Lord always.”

 

Apparently Height Matters

Posted on by kwundrow

Recently I was at my retirement party when one of my clients came over.  She was holding her granddaughter who was playing quite shy in the company of all these strangers at the party.  To break the ice, I leaned down and asked her how old she was.  Getting no response, I said “you look to be about four.”  Her immediate response was “no, I’m three.”  Knowing that my daughter would soon be arriving and was bringing my three year old grandson with her, I mentioned that he would be here soon and he too was three.  Her response was immediate, “how tall is he?”  Apparently, if I was going to set her up with my grandson, height mattered to her.  She was clearly not going to be seen with someone who couldn’t measure up.

I am sure this little girl was not being judgmental, but rather was just looking for a point of reference that was more appropriate to her take on life at three.  The retelling of this story to my daughter triggered a thought that I needed to explore.  This little girl was astute enough to remind me that age had nothing to do with my grandson’s playability, yes I just made up that term, but rather his size was the compatibility statistic for her.

This got me to thinking in broader terms.  Am I tall enough?  Tall enough for my clients, my wife, my family or even the stranger I will meet on the street?  In other words, do I hold to my beliefs and ethics everyday and in every way.  Do I walk tall and can those around me sense that.  I can only hope so and then make it a priority to put forth the effort to make it happen as often as I can.

Since height mattered to her, and by the way, they got along famously later, are you always striving to be tall enough?  If not, try putting a little lift in your attitude.  People might just notice that you seem a little “taller”.

Sweet Adela…about time I write to you.

Posted on by kwundrow

For the past three years my focus has been on Jackson.  That took a slight turn on March 14th, 2017.  You entered the world on Pi Day and I am having a hard time not nicknaming you Pi in honor of it.  Let me tell you, you wasted no time in arriving.  You were almost born in the hallways of the hospital.  Why do I suspect you will then be just as fast at everything from here on out.

You are an incredibly happy, incredibly patient and incredibly “give me a little face time here” sort of girl.  You have a smile that can melt my heart in an instant and you are constantly moving.  Nothing anywhere near your reach is safe and believe me we have learned that lesson far too many times already.

You are named after your great great aunt Adele.  The misspelling of your name is deliberate on your parents part as they do not want that heritage confused with the singer Adele who is quite a big deal right now.  Just ask Jackson about “Hello” sometime.  Your namesake was the keeper of the stories and the history of our family.  She never wanted to learn to drive but she rode a motorcycle for her 100th birthday.  She told stories right up to the time of her passing at age 101 though some of them will not be safely repeated much before your 18th birthday.  Adele was a feisty lady with all sorts of spirit.  I know you will live up to her reputation.

Adela, you are loved by everyone but no one more than Jackson.  He cannot let an hour go by without kissing your nose or your forehead and then giving you a squeeze or a hug.  He adores his little sister and is pledged to watch out for you always.  I suspect somewhere down the line you both will have your moments but for now it is all bliss.

Just a little over a month ago, you moved to your new home.  You were born a Madisonian but you are now a resident of Verona where I suspect you will spend most of your youth as you grow into the woman you are to become.

The Arch

We just returned from your first big adventure.  We took a road trip to St. Louis and you came along.  It was unbearably hot and humid but you were a trooper.  No fuss and plenty of smiles.  We saw an incredible museum that I am sure your daddy will want to take you back to for more adventures of your own.  We rode to the top of the Gateway Arch, 630 feet above the city, where you took in the sights from the carrier on your mommy’s chest.  But the big event was the eclipse.  Your Opa and Mimi waited 33 years to see the return of the eclipse and you have started your life in it’s repeat performance.  As we told Jackson, the moon swallowed the sun and for several minutes we were in darkness in the middle of the day.  We all put on special glasses, including you, and we watched the eclipse unfold.  I know you won’t remember this one but perhaps the next one in seven years.  We will retell this story over and over until you might actual feel like you do remember it.  Your great great aunt would be so proud of the story’s telling.  Through all of this, the driving, the sitting in the heat, the hiking to the site, you were a trooper. Never a whimper and never a fuss.

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This is only the first of many stories yet to come, but it was time you had the beginnings of your story written down.  Know this, you and Jackson are both the focus of my attention now and you are both the love of my heart.  I can’t wait to watch you grow and I look forward to many more adventures to come.

Aah…Retirement, the sweet smell of Success

Posted on by kwundrow

It is week one of my newly acquired retirement.  I feel compelled to let my worriers know, so far so good, and for those of you approaching retirement a few pieces of advice.

First and foremost, don’t over plan.  Everyone wants to know what you are going to do.  Don’t be shy, tell them you don’t know but you will seize every opportunity.  Only in this way can you disconnect gracefully and not create a guilty conscience at day one.  Let life roll towards you now.  Instead of trudging up that hill, tackling each day, let the day come to you.

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My day one, without any intent or knowledge on my part, was the day of the total eclipse.  My daughter Bailey, had planned it several months prior and it never dawned on me that it would be my first full day of retirement.  What an incredible way to start.  We took off on Sunday morning bound for St. Louis with daughters and grandchildren in tow.  Monday we traveled 35 miles south to the center of the path in a little town called Festus, MO.  I would explain the origin of the name but that can be your adventure.  At 1:18 pm the moon and sun reached totality.  No words can explain the emotion but save to say we shared it with about a thousand people.  The cheers from the crowd, followed by the awe as we gazed upon the eclipse was worth all the effort.  We were surrounded in a 360 degree sunset which leaves one stunned and speechless.  Birds were flying crazily to their nests and the insects came suddenly alert with a cacophony of noise.   Two minutes and thirty seconds later it was over.  We had traveled four hundred miles and spent nearly seven hours collectively in our cars to witness a two minute and thirty second event.  To stand there and witness it first hand in the mid day dusk was priceless in every sense of the word.  That evening even my three year old grandson Jackson, was telling his dinner friends all about how the moon swallowed the sun and he saw it!

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Though the picture cannot do it justice, totality and 360 degrees of sunset.

Not bad for day one.  The next two days found me exploring a museum with Jackson and then time spent catching up with a dear friend and his family in a neighboring city.

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Jackson with his body guard, Kathryn, about to enter the high point of this insane structure.  We will title this “no fear” but maybe a little vertigo for Kathryn.

The Arch

Threw in a visit to the Gateway Arch.  More vertigo, some claustrophobia and an awe struck Jackson peering through the windows 630 feet up.

It is now day three and I am promising myself to add some routine to my days.  Nothing too big, just activities I can build on.  Oh yes, and the honey do list.  That started this morning and in my opinion I did a bang up job.  This is by no way an invitation to make this a habit but my suspicion is it will become one of the routines.  Well, at least now I have all the time in the world to do it.

I admit it is early, but I think I just might like this gig.  I am feeling that all the effort that went into the journey was worth it and that I am feeling a great sense of success at its end.  If you are close, I hope your first days are just as exciting.  Just remember, don’t chase them, let the days and the weeks and the months and the years all come to you.  And then embrace each one for the gift it is.